Breaking up is hard to do

You know that type of man that, after ending a relationship with, you have no idea if he’s a tortured soul, a narcissist, a sentimental con, or just a plain old jerk?? Yeah, that one! Well, that type of man was my “luck” to be involved and deeply fall in love with. For two years, it was all games. The kind of on/off relationship. Instances of breaking up and getting back together, sprinkled with thousands of texts, phone calls, emails. From both sides. I miss you. I love you. Swear words. Love words. Silence. Block. Unblock. Begging. From both sides. Stalking, From both sides. Love making. Fights. Work. Responsibilities. Help. Cleaning together. Dinners. Travel. Beach. Snow. Gifts. Songs. Everything.

When all that ends, one of the two is left hanging in the air, dizzy from all with a deep-seated WTF just happened to us??? WTF just happened to me???!!!

Closure. Chasing after closure. That never came. The deep whys and the deep hows got hollow answers, different answers, always different answers, until you feel that you lose your minds trying to understand which of the different things you’ve heard is the truth. All of them? None? One? Which one???!

Panic attacks. Heartbreak. Tons of tears. Smoking. Way too many cigarettes. Running in circles.

So many of you know what I’m talking about. So many of you experienced similar things. So many of  you know that breaking up is hard to do. And one of those breakups becomes the hardest breakup that you ever had to go through.

Today, here, in this space, begins the story of my hardest breaking up and how I deal with it.

 

Four years ago, today

via Four years ago, today

Four years ago, today

In earnest, it started four years ago, today. It started with an innocent question that led to four years of pain, struggle, hurt, get-togethers and breakups, lies, love, betrayal, passion, a game of chasing and running, a game that ended with the deepest confusion ever: what was real and what was fake? Was it all fake? Was anything real?

I unload the burden on your shoulders. I want nothing with the pain anymore. It is yours to carry, it is yours to struggle, to hurt, to ask the “what-ifs”, to roam the physical and emotional space you were allotted in this reality in search of truth and self.

The universe has inescapable laws. Didn’t you know that by creating pain, you create your karma?