… has been given its own ears to hear things that the mind cannot understand.
Rumi
There’s nothing like…
There’s nothing like…
Shabbat silence and loneliness… Especially when they are by choice. A heart-based, self-imposed silence and loneliness.
And there’s nothing like the tears rolling down one’s face when saying Shabbat’s prayers…
As there’s nothing like the light of the candles on Shabbat.
HaShem Elochim Ata Adoni v’tikvati
You have been blessed with a burden…
You have been blessed with a burden…
I heard this in a movie not long ago, and although at the time, I have understood its meaning in that context, I didn’t realize that soon I will discover how I’ll take these words to heart, and what they will mean.
Today it happened. Today I realized, by digging deep, very deep inside me, into the deepest place inside me where I was scared to look for the longest time, that I have been blessed with a burden. As a sat in my car, with the spectacle of the city lights enfolding before my eyes, I found myself saying these words to… myself. Initially, I cried. This realization made me sad to the core. Because the emphasis was on the burden. A few hours later, serendipity stepped in and I understood more. I understood more by concentrating on the word “blessed”. And my despair transformed into a deep and peaceful happiness. I have been blessed with a burden. And for this blessing, I thank God, and I am grateful beyond words. Earlier today, as I uttered “You have been blessed with a burden”, bitter tears were rolling down my face. Merely hours after that, “You have been blessed with a burden” brought the warmest smile on my face. This is the second time in a year when the stubborn smile that sits on my face, borne from the depths of my soul and surfacing through the clear, shining light of my eyes doesn’t want to go anywhere. I even smile now, as I write these beautiful words: You have been blessed with a burden. And for this blessing, I thank God 🙂
Tormented Soul
Tormented soul,
You beat yourself over your lack of courage. You beat yourself over the selfish gesture you have made in order to protect your weak self. Because you hate and love at the same time. Because you can’t admit that I have such hold on you. Because you’ll  never have the courage to face the world and say, “This is it. This is who I want”. Because you are too conformist. Because you hate that I have the courage to say and live my truth, while you hide behind an arrogant and twisted behaviour. Because although you want the extraordinary, you know that you’ll end up with the ordinary that will squeeze the life out of you. Because you wish your “no” would be a “yes”. Because you know that the ordinary one who’ll be next to you, will step over your soul for your shortcomings, and you will accept it for the sake of conforming with what’s expected of you. Because once you tasted my soul, no other soul comes close to mine. Because you know that a life without me, is a mediocre life. Because you know that in the  need to conform, you’re condemned to a drab life. Tormented soul, your drab life is ahead of you. Is your life sentence for lacking the guts to acknowledge our souls’ union.
Breaking up is hard to do
You know that type of man that, after ending a relationship with, you have no idea if he’s a tortured soul, a narcissist, a sentimental con, or just a plain old jerk?? Yeah, that one! Well, that type of man was my “luck” to be involved and deeply fall in love with. For two years, it was all games. The kind of on/off relationship. Instances of breaking up and getting back together, sprinkled with thousands of texts, phone calls, emails. From both sides. I miss you. I love you. Swear words. Love words. Silence. Block. Unblock. Begging. From both sides. Stalking, From both sides. Love making. Fights. Work. Responsibilities. Help. Cleaning together. Dinners. Travel. Beach. Snow. Gifts. Songs. Everything.
When all that ends, one of the two is left hanging in the air, dizzy from all with a deep-seated WTF just happened to us??? WTF just happened to me???!!!
Closure. Chasing after closure. That never came. The deep whys and the deep hows got hollow answers, different answers, always different answers, until you feel that you lose your minds trying to understand which of the different things you’ve heard is the truth. All of them? None? One? Which one???!
Panic attacks. Heartbreak. Tons of tears. Smoking. Way too many cigarettes. Running in circles.
So many of you know what I’m talking about. So many of you experienced similar things. So many of  you know that breaking up is hard to do. And one of those breakups becomes the hardest breakup that you ever had to go through.
Today, here, in this space, begins the story of my hardest breaking up and how I deal with it.
Four years ago, today
Four years ago, today
In earnest, it started four years ago, today. It started with an innocent question that led to four years of pain, struggle, hurt, get-togethers and breakups, lies, love, betrayal, passion, a game of chasing and running, a game that ended with the deepest confusion ever: what was real and what was fake? Was it all fake? Was anything real?
I unload the burden on your shoulders. I want nothing with the pain anymore. It is yours to carry, it is yours to struggle, to hurt, to ask the “what-ifs”, to roam the physical and emotional space you were allotted in this reality in search of truth and self.
The universe has inescapable laws. Didn’t you know that by creating pain, you create your karma?
The cord between our two hearts
Paying back versus Letting go
I have recently found myself in a situation of extreme hurt. The kind that makes not only the world around you crumble to pieces, but the kind that brings you down to pieces.
I had not only lost the man I love, but I have also discovered things that showed me a facet of him that I desperately did not want to be true, or at least not in my respect. I started analyzing, triangulating his messages with other women, his colleagues, and me to find when he lied, when he cheated, and so on. My life became a living nightmare, day and night. Panic attacks became daily recurrences; looking for answers did not work; I became a zombie, doing the minimum necessary to fulfil my obligations. The rest of the time, I was living in my head, asking myself over and over again, why, did he really love me, why did I make the mistakes I made, why was I not able to bring out the goodness in him more often, why was I not enough, and so on.
One day, I collapsed, an ambulance took me to the hospital, episode followed by a long home stay (medical leave).
The tears, the pain, the hurt, the angst, they were all so overwhelming, and I was running in circles driving myself crazy with questions to which only he could respond; but he was unreachable, or if reachable, not willing to answer.
For a while, I wanted to pay back. I even had some attempts. One of them was a posting on this site; mind you, I had the perfect ammunition, some things he did or say in the past, and I used some of it. Then, I forgot not that I wrote that post, but that I didn’t change its status on to “Private” until one day when, he probably saw it, which led him to take some action on his end in order to distance and protect himself from my post.
As soon as I realized this I removed the forgotten post, and I did it, not as much for fear of his revenge, but for the fear that I cannot live with hurting him (as I cannot live with the idea of hurting others in general). I realized that I cannot live with an additional source of anxiety, this time the guilt of hurting another human being. I pride myself for my sense of fairness and justice, and even though how he hurt me was unfair, I didn’t want to bring my spirit to such a low level.When they say that revenge hurts the avenger first and foremost, is not an empty statement. I witnessed this feeling and I realized how true it is.
I am writing this post now from a place of more inner peace and self-love than before. Something that I didn’t feel in a long time, or maybe never had enough to feel it.
I let him go, knowing that my desperation to be with him not only did not come from a healthy place (as he was placing himself in the posture of what I was desiring, but every time I was getting closer, he’d move further away, making me work harder and harder to get to him), but knowing also, as I felt it all along, that HE is not in a healthy place.
True love endures a lot, and never fades. While I do not think that his love for me had these qualities, I know that mine for him does. But now, I love myself enough to understand that I deserve to be loved as much as I love, and he couldn’t give me this. I don’t want to be shortchanged anymore. I want to receive what I give and as much as I give. I refuse to be taken for granted, as I refuse to be pseudo-loved by a crippled soul.
I tried, in the ways I knew and could, to heal him. I know today that I could have never done it, and I am convinced that no one will. I know today that the only way he’ll get rid of his closeted skeletons is for him alone to swim out of his darkness and into the sun. This takes a lot of work, courage, honest introspection, therapy, and effort. But he’s the only one that can do this work for himself, and he cannot ever blame others for his shortcomings (as he used to blame me.)
He blocked me out of his life, but to be honest, he did not succeed in silencing me. The truth always comes out, when we least expect it. It happened to me, it happens to all of us. When we think we covered all the holes and the truth we try to keep under the covers has no more oxygen to keep its fire burning, an unexpected hole opens up and the fire keeps burning (this is what happened when he blocked me and I wrote that post that I believed removed/hidden from my blog).
The thing is that now I don’t need to be in contact with him anymore and him blocking me doesn’t hurt me as much as it did back then.
Now, I willingly let him go.
I was there for him for longer than I should have. I was there for him until he rejected me, demeaned me, insulted me, took me for more than a ride, and then blocked me out of his life. I was foolishly thinking that my love for him will perform miracles. What I didn’t know is that no such type of miracles can be performed if the one you’re willing to perform them for cannot accept them, or doesn’t even believe that he needs fixing anything.
True and unconditional love is always there, and who knows, maybe one day in the future, we’ll be together again. Or maybe not. But if the future will give us another shot, this will not happen before cleaning our auras from all the wounds that damaged them, before we met, and while we were together. Only then we’ll have a real shot.
I know I’m on the right path now. And I know that I am indeed, an amazing person with many more qualities than flaws. Whoever will have me in the future will be a lucky man, as lucky were the men who were in my life until now. For each of them I did my best, I helped them as much as I could and even more, depriving myself from what I wanted and needed, just to be loved. Why did I think that I don’t deserve more, I don’t know.
The thing is that now, I want to be lucky too. I want to have nothing less than what I give. And if I give my all, like I did give him, I want to receive nothing less than “all”. Because I’m really worth it.
As for him. I don’t know. The dating scene is brutal. Women nowadays are more demanding than ever; they want it all, the whole package. And having a cute face only gets you this far. If the demons he hides in his closet and the shortcomings he suffers from are not dealt with properly, then good luck finding another unconditional love like mine.
The biggest mistake he made with me was the fact that, while he wanted me to be perfect, he himself is not, and he’s missing an important piece in the puzzle of what a man is. The main question I had in my mind about him was, why is he so keen in pointing towards the things that I lack when he himself has such big problems??? Why isn’t he honest enough to admit that he was lucky to have a woman like me in his life, willing to take on a man with such problems, instead of pushing me over all possible limits with his cruelty? Why didn’t he appreciate my true love for him and why did he keep digging deeper and deeper in my life in a bid of finding flaws and lacks instead of digging deeper in his soul to correct his issues? Why does he think that he has the right to have it all when he himself doesn’t offer all that any self-respecting woman needs, wants, and looks for??
He is thirsty for money. He thinks that making and having money is going to buy him the perfect woman. What a load of bullshit inhabits his brain!!! He doesn’t understand that 1) true love can NEVER be bought, 2) whatever he can buy with money, anybody else can, and the highest bidder wins it all 3) one day he’ll wake up and see that whatever he could afford to buy with money loses its shine once the money runs out or when whomever he buys gets to see what I’ve seen hiding in him, and 4) when that’ll come to pass, he’ll be back not to square one, but actually in a worse place that he was before making his purchase.
A while ago he was talking to me about his intentions to visit Russia. I understood his intentions back then… In his desperation and fog he has in his brain, he thinks that he’ll score himself a beautiful Russian girl, who’s gonna love him unconditionally, who’s gonna convert to Islam (as he asked me to do), who’s gonna start observing pak and najes, and so on. He thinks that the girl he’s gonna “buy” there will make him haft sin like I did, is gonna sleep with him on the floor, will cook for him samanu from scratch like I did, and so on, and all of this out of love. What he doesn’t know yet, is that Russian girls who are willing to come to Canada do it mainly for the passport, for a better economical situation, and for a better life, first and foremost, and not for him!!! They are also looking for really good sex, a well-known thing already.
Good luck with the Russian brides! They are experts at separating men from their brains and their wallets. The dating world there is a billions of dollars industry. The internet is full of horror stories of men duped by the beautiful/fake profiles on the Russian dating sites, or worse even, the amount of money they’ve spent on a “lovely” Russian girl whether there or here… They have “sick mothers” to whom they need to send money, they have “poor cousins” who turn out to be their lovers, HIV is rampant, they marry for a better passport then divorce and they take the men to the cleaners. Some stay with the men for longer, until they feel safe enough to not lose their newly found status in Canada. Some may even give birth to children whom then they use against the men in the divorce. Many women like this, took the kids and went back to Russia, and good luck to those men who were naive enough to believe in them bringing their kids back. What’s more, they are overwhelmingly anti-Muslims.
Whatever, he failed to see how true and real I am compared to most women out there because he didn’t really see the reality out there. Short term dating,exchanging messaging on dating apps., and dreaming of bringing a wife from a far foreign country does not qualify as knowing much about women.
This is his loss and I am convinced that time will tell and his time to regret me is going to come sooner than he’d want or imagine.
Yes, we did have fights and at time we hurt each other fighting, but I fought because I cared, and because I’m real, more real than any fake bride will ever be!
Anyway, one day he will realize that letting me go was the biggest mistake of his adult life.
They say, be careful what you wish for. He wished for me to disappear from his life. I kept tooth and nail and for the life of me and for the longest time, I couldn’t let go of him. But now, I let him go. His wish became reality.
The funny thing is that staying with him, or even in contact with him would have benefited him more than me. Due to my true feelings for him, I would have helped him with his business, I would have opened his eyes to a reality that he cannot see, I would have protected him from rapaciousness, in sum, besides my love, he’d have had many other benefits.
Is true, the only thing that I couldn’t give him was kids. But those who truly love and are honest about building a family in which love prevails and thrives, find ways to fulfill this wish. Thank God, we live in world where other modalities to have children are available. True, again, this doesnt come cheap. But if one is to spend money to have a good loving wife in their life, they’d better spend it on this, rather than buying a fake love.
Anyway, I’ve vented enough about him I guess… Now is time to concentrate on myself. Now is time for my wishes to become reality. To be loved as much as I love, to taste joy instead of distress, to feel valued instead of made feel worthless, and more than anything, to feel that I have a safe and secure relationship, not a game where the stakes are setup against me from the get go. Knowing myself, I know that whoever will be the man in my life in the future, he’ll be a very, very lucky man. When you have the ability to love as much as I do, the Universe has a way of returning the favour when you least expect it. And when you hurt and betray as much as he did me, the Universe works under the same law: you reap what you sow.
Narcissus
Narcissus was so vain and proud that he disdained those who loved him. When Nemesis brought him to a body of water where Narcissus saw his reflection, he fell so in love with himself that he spent the rest of his life there, starring at his image reflected in the water until he died…
Forgiving myself
This is what my therapist told me that I need to do; to forgive myself before anything and anyone else. She knows that I am blaming myself for a lot of things that didn’t go well in my relationship and, funny thing, she does not agree with me. I have told her my story in the most honest way, I didn’t hide my mistakes or his mistakes, I went all out, talking and putting on the table everything. From the beginning to the end, from the good times to the bad ones.My mistakes and his mistakes. My doing and his doing.
She says that he IS a narcissist, indeed. And she explained me why (oh, the list is so accurate…). But the biggest advise she gave me thus far was to forgive myself, not only for my mistakes, but for being fooled and trusting, for forgiving him when I was not supposed to, for believing him when I had little reason to, for failing to see that I was abused and why I was abused, for everything. Forgive yourself, she said. He played with your mind and heart and you accepted it.
And even if he weren’t a narcissist and his behaviour is due to some deep-seated issues he has, she said, still, he messed up with you big time. His semblance of honesty was self serving. He never gave you the reassurance that you were in a relationship which is the first thing people in a relationship should do one for the other, or when he gave it, he took it back right away, blaming you for it.
The thing that she told me today and resonated with me the most was that, even if I wasn’t making any mistake or if I hadn’t have had any flaw, he would have still blamed me for whatever wouldn’t have been right in our relationship, he would have still avoided any responsibility, he would have still played the cat and mouse game, he would have still done what he did. It is not you, she said, is him.
The biggest proof that you loved him truthfully, honestly, and completely was not only that you opened up to loving him, but the fact that, even though he didn’t opened up himself to you, you still got to closely know him in ways other people don’t. That is why he blocked you out of his life; he cannot stand being seen and being known. He knows that you KNOW him and this makes him vulnerable. He doesn’t want to be seen and known this way. Yes, you did tell him that you loved him with good and bad, for the good and despite the bad, but he doesn’t love himself with good and bad, so he cannot believe that you do. Hence, he had to get away and he had to block you out of his life.
You always forgave him for all his flaws and mistakes and lies, and did not refuse him your love and access to you and your life, but he didn’t forgive you for the things you did or say. What does this tell you, she asked. This should tell you that you have to FORGIVE YOURSELF.
Wow! What a day today was!!!
Lesson #1: Never look for closure from a narcissist…
and never confront a narcissist. Not only they cannot give you the closure you so much need if you are to heal and move on, but if you confront him about his lies and things that he thought were hidden but you discovered – seeing in the process his true face, he will turn the tables on you to the extent that HE will accuse YOU of harassing HIM. He can go as far as getting you arrested!
Looking for closure, especially in the aftermath of discard from the narcissist with whom you unknowingly developed a traumatic bond instead of the loving one you thought connects the two of you, is the most natural thing for normal people, but an exercise in futility when dealing with narcissists.
This is a lesson I have learned the hard way, when the narcissist I confronted (looking for closure, explanations, or even denials as I was ready to believe whatever he’d say only to assuage the pain I was going through) told police that I was harassing him. It is true, that morning I sort of chased him desperate for answers. But this is why I’m saying, don’t make this mistake. Yes, they did play with your brain and your heart in so many different ways (about this in another post), yes, they did make you feel like you’re the crazy one, yes, you need closure and answers and validation, but no, you will never get it from them, and you’ll never get it by chasing them.
The only thing you’ll possibly get is a police report where you are the bad person who harassed him, and he is the poor unsuspecting victim.
I remember that morning and I will remember it for a very long time; I was sitting in my car, in absolute shock. Across the street from me, the man I loved and who professed that he loved me, that he wanted to be with me through thick and thin, have children with me, bla, bla, bla, was talking to the police complaining about my harassment. I’ve been told that I could have been arrested. It was an outer body experience, as if my life was not my life anymore and whatever was happening to me was just a scene from a bad movie or a bad dream.
A woman police officer came to me and told me that she is sure that is more to the story than what he was telling them. She saw the hurt in my eyes.
I could have said yes, and I could have started telling the story of my emotional abuse and trauma, but I couldn’t do this to him and at that point in time, there and then, I understood who is the empath and who is the narcissist.
The killer looks he sent my way that morning will be hard to forget… Looks coming from retinas behind which emptiness lies. Those must have been the eyes that put or almost put his cousin in jail (according to him). He said to me before that he has no mercy on who wrongs him and that he always takes revenge, but I never thought back then that I will be the object of his fury. All I could see back then was what he showed me: his nice face. The ugly one came later.
One of the signs that you are dealing with a narcissist is that after he emotionally abused you in every way he could, when there was nothing more that he could extract from you, when he knows that he can’t get from you the supply his wounded ego so badly needs, when he knows that you called his bluff and seen his true colours and then he discards you, he will portray you as the aggressor and himself as your victim to anyone who surrounds him. He will conduct a violent smearing campaign against you, he will portray you as crazy, he will accuse you of harassing him, and he will do everything in his power to save his face and smear yours.
That is why I’m saying, don’t look for closure and don’t confront the narcissist. The rage you will stir is not worth your while. Move on. Or do like I do: vent on a platform that nobody reads but that helps YOU heal.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7n3LjQile0
And if there ever was any doubt, he checks most of these signs to perfection.
klopotzel1 