I have recently found myself in a situation of extreme hurt. The kind that makes not only the world around you crumble to pieces, but the kind that brings you down to pieces.
I had not only lost the man I love, but I have also discovered things that showed me a facet of him that I desperately did not want to be true, or at least not in my respect. I started analyzing, triangulating his messages with other women, his colleagues, and me to find when he lied, when he cheated, and so on. My life became a living nightmare, day and night. Panic attacks became daily recurrences; looking for answers did not work; I became a zombie, doing the minimum necessary to fulfil my obligations. The rest of the time, I was living in my head, asking myself over and over again, why, did he really love me, why did I make the mistakes I made, why was I not able to bring out the goodness in him more often, why was I not enough, and so on.
One day, I collapsed, an ambulance took me to the hospital, episode followed by a long home stay (medical leave).
The tears, the pain, the hurt, the angst, they were all so overwhelming, and I was running in circles driving myself crazy with questions to which only he could respond; but he was unreachable, or if reachable, not willing to answer.
For a while, I wanted to pay back. I even had some attempts. One of them was a posting on this site; mind you, I had the perfect ammunition, some things he did or say in the past, and I used some of it. Then, I forgot not that I wrote that post, but that I didn’t change its status on to “Private” until one day when, he probably saw it, which led him to take some action on his end in order to distance and protect himself from my post.
As soon as I realized this I removed the forgotten post, and I did it, not as much for fear of his revenge, but for the fear that I cannot live with hurting him (as I cannot live with the idea of hurting others in general). I realized that I cannot live with an additional source of anxiety, this time the guilt of hurting another human being. I pride myself for my sense of fairness and justice, and even though how he hurt me was unfair, I didn’t want to bring my spirit to such a low level.When they say that revenge hurts the avenger first and foremost, is not an empty statement. I witnessed this feeling and I realized how true it is.
I am writing this post now from a place of more inner peace and self-love than before. Something that I didn’t feel in a long time, or maybe never had enough to feel it.
I let him go, knowing that my desperation to be with him not only did not come from a healthy place (as he was placing himself in the posture of what I was desiring, but every time I was getting closer, he’d move further away, making me work harder and harder to get to him), but knowing also, as I felt it all along, that HE is not in a healthy place.
True love endures a lot, and never fades. While I do not think that his love for me had these qualities, I know that mine for him does. But now, I love myself enough to understand that I deserve to be loved as much as I love, and he couldn’t give me this. I don’t want to be shortchanged anymore. I want to receive what I give and as much as I give. I refuse to be taken for granted, as I refuse to be pseudo-loved by a crippled soul.
I tried, in the ways I knew and could, to heal him. I know today that I could have never done it, and I am convinced that no one will. I know today that the only way he’ll get rid of his closeted skeletons is for him alone to swim out of his darkness and into the sun. This takes a lot of work, courage, honest introspection, therapy, and effort. But he’s the only one that can do this work for himself, and he cannot ever blame others for his shortcomings (as he used to blame me.)
He blocked me out of his life, but to be honest, he did not succeed in silencing me. The truth always comes out, when we least expect it. It happened to me, it happens to all of us. When we think we covered all the holes and the truth we try to keep under the covers has no more oxygen to keep its fire burning, an unexpected hole opens up and the fire keeps burning (this is what happened when he blocked me and I wrote that post that I believed removed/hidden from my blog).
The thing is that now I don’t need to be in contact with him anymore and him blocking me doesn’t hurt me as much as it did back then.
Now, I willingly let him go.
I was there for him for longer than I should have. I was there for him until he rejected me, demeaned me, insulted me, took me for more than a ride, and then blocked me out of his life. I was foolishly thinking that my love for him will perform miracles. What I didn’t know is that no such type of miracles can be performed if the one you’re willing to perform them for cannot accept them, or doesn’t even believe that he needs fixing anything.
True and unconditional love is always there, and who knows, maybe one day in the future, we’ll be together again. Or maybe not. But if the future will give us another shot, this will not happen before cleaning our auras from all the wounds that damaged them, before we met, and while we were together. Only then we’ll have a real shot.
I know I’m on the right path now. And I know that I am indeed, an amazing person with many more qualities than flaws. Whoever will have me in the future will be a lucky man, as lucky were the men who were in my life until now. For each of them I did my best, I helped them as much as I could and even more, depriving myself from what I wanted and needed, just to be loved. Why did I think that I don’t deserve more, I don’t know.
The thing is that now, I want to be lucky too. I want to have nothing less than what I give. And if I give my all, like I did give him, I want to receive nothing less than “all”. Because I’m really worth it.
As for him. I don’t know. The dating scene is brutal. Women nowadays are more demanding than ever; they want it all, the whole package. And having a cute face only gets you this far. If the demons he hides in his closet and the shortcomings he suffers from are not dealt with properly, then good luck finding another unconditional love like mine.
The biggest mistake he made with me was the fact that, while he wanted me to be perfect, he himself is not, and he’s missing an important piece in the puzzle of what a man is. The main question I had in my mind about him was, why is he so keen in pointing towards the things that I lack when he himself has such big problems??? Why isn’t he honest enough to admit that he was lucky to have a woman like me in his life, willing to take on a man with such problems, instead of pushing me over all possible limits with his cruelty? Why didn’t he appreciate my true love for him and why did he keep digging deeper and deeper in my life in a bid of finding flaws and lacks instead of digging deeper in his soul to correct his issues? Why does he think that he has the right to have it all when he himself doesn’t offer all that any self-respecting woman needs, wants, and looks for??
He is thirsty for money. He thinks that making and having money is going to buy him the perfect woman. What a load of bullshit inhabits his brain!!! He doesn’t understand that 1) true love can NEVER be bought, 2) whatever he can buy with money, anybody else can, and the highest bidder wins it all 3) one day he’ll wake up and see that whatever he could afford to buy with money loses its shine once the money runs out or when whomever he buys gets to see what I’ve seen hiding in him, and 4) when that’ll come to pass, he’ll be back not to square one, but actually in a worse place that he was before making his purchase.
A while ago he was talking to me about his intentions to visit Russia. I understood his intentions back then… In his desperation and fog he has in his brain, he thinks that he’ll score himself a beautiful Russian girl, who’s gonna love him unconditionally, who’s gonna convert to Islam (as he asked me to do), who’s gonna start observing pak and najes, and so on. He thinks that the girl he’s gonna “buy” there will make him haft sin like I did, is gonna sleep with him on the floor, will cook for him samanu from scratch like I did, and so on, and all of this out of love. What he doesn’t know yet, is that Russian girls who are willing to come to Canada do it mainly for the passport, for a better economical situation, and for a better life, first and foremost, and not for him!!! They are also looking for really good sex, a well-known thing already.
Good luck with the Russian brides! They are experts at separating men from their brains and their wallets. The dating world there is a billions of dollars industry. The internet is full of horror stories of men duped by the beautiful/fake profiles on the Russian dating sites, or worse even, the amount of money they’ve spent on a “lovely” Russian girl whether there or here… They have “sick mothers” to whom they need to send money, they have “poor cousins” who turn out to be their lovers, HIV is rampant, they marry for a better passport then divorce and they take the men to the cleaners. Some stay with the men for longer, until they feel safe enough to not lose their newly found status in Canada. Some may even give birth to children whom then they use against the men in the divorce. Many women like this, took the kids and went back to Russia, and good luck to those men who were naive enough to believe in them bringing their kids back. What’s more, they are overwhelmingly anti-Muslims.
Whatever, he failed to see how true and real I am compared to most women out there because he didn’t really see the reality out there. Short term dating,exchanging messaging on dating apps., and dreaming of bringing a wife from a far foreign country does not qualify as knowing much about women.
This is his loss and I am convinced that time will tell and his time to regret me is going to come sooner than he’d want or imagine.
Yes, we did have fights and at time we hurt each other fighting, but I fought because I cared, and because I’m real, more real than any fake bride will ever be!
Anyway, one day he will realize that letting me go was the biggest mistake of his adult life.
They say, be careful what you wish for. He wished for me to disappear from his life. I kept tooth and nail and for the life of me and for the longest time, I couldn’t let go of him. But now, I let him go. His wish became reality.
The funny thing is that staying with him, or even in contact with him would have benefited him more than me. Due to my true feelings for him, I would have helped him with his business, I would have opened his eyes to a reality that he cannot see, I would have protected him from rapaciousness, in sum, besides my love, he’d have had many other benefits.
Is true, the only thing that I couldn’t give him was kids. But those who truly love and are honest about building a family in which love prevails and thrives, find ways to fulfill this wish. Thank God, we live in world where other modalities to have children are available. True, again, this doesnt come cheap. But if one is to spend money to have a good loving wife in their life, they’d better spend it on this, rather than buying a fake love.
Anyway, I’ve vented enough about him I guess… Now is time to concentrate on myself. Now is time for my wishes to become reality. To be loved as much as I love, to taste joy instead of distress, to feel valued instead of made feel worthless, and more than anything, to feel that I have a safe and secure relationship, not a game where the stakes are setup against me from the get go. Knowing myself, I know that whoever will be the man in my life in the future, he’ll be a very, very lucky man. When you have the ability to love as much as I do, the Universe has a way of returning the favour when you least expect it. And when you hurt and betray as much as he did me, the Universe works under the same law: you reap what you sow.
klopotzel1 